I’m a Certified Bartender!/Another Actor/Lamar the Busdriver

I passed my speed test for bartending! So on Monday I officially became a certified bartender.  I was so ridiculously nervous I was going to fail.  But now all thats left to do is get a job!

Meh.

So on the day I took the text, the class was pretty packed with people, one of whom was this curiously jolly man who had just joined the class a few days ago.  We had taken one class together, during which we talked a little bit, and I did notice a twinge of a spark, but nothing major.  Besides, he was big, blonde, and hunky, and that type’s just not my bag.

A couple of days after I took the test, I went back to the school to pick up my certificate.  He was there to take the the next class, so as I was waiting for it to be made I talked to him and another dude I had taken the course with.  We were discussing things I, perhaps, should study before I go on interviews in case I’m quizzed when Jolly Man says, “Oh you don’t have to worry.  You’re so gorgeous they’re just going to hire you.”  Then he kept telling me I was gorgeous and I just stood there smiling awkwardly, not really knowing how to react properly.  Then he gave me his card and told me to keep in contact and check out his website.  Well I did check it out, and then I checked out his myspace, and was completely turned off by the whole actor-musician thing.  For some reason that lifestyle just really doesn’t do it for me.  Maybe I’ll call him or something, but maybe I won’t.

Now for Lamar the Bus Driver.  One late night, about a week and a half ago, I was going home from the bartending class.  I have to take a bus, a train, and another bus to get home, so as you can imagine, it’s not a fun trip.  I got on the last bus, thankful that the trip was almost done, as it was around 11:30 pm, and sat in the front near the bus driver.  I’ve always considered that the safest place to be.  Then, of course, the bus driver starts talking to me, asking me inane questions about my life, and trying to engage me in a flirtatious conversation. 

This is why I took that long hiatus from men to date girls.  It’s so vexing when they just don’t get it.

I shouted answers over the buses obnoxiously loud engine, hoping that with each “WHAT’D YOU SAY?” he would just give up.  But he’s a persistent man.  I think he thought I might stand up and get closer to hear him so I could hear better, but that was just not in my plans.  Finally, we got to my stop, I stepped off the bus, and I thought “I’m free”, until he says, “So can I give you my number?” 

Before I go further, let me give you a brief description of Lamar.  He’s a hefty man.  He’s red-boned with mangled-looking teeth, and thin dreads the length of a bob.  Though the bus driver’s uniform isn’t the most flattering thing in the world, something tells me high fashion would not make him much more aesthetically pleasing.  He is an ugly man.

So I said, Yes, you can give me your number.  This is my response whenever anyone asks me if they can give me their number.  I don’t have to use it, so there’s not harm in just letting them give it to me.  So I take it, and ask him his name, and he tells me, Lamar. The End.

Until. There’s always a goddamn until in every part of my life.

Until the night I got my certificate, and I was coming out of the train station, prepared to take the last bus home, when I see the bus already at the stop.  I briefly consider waiting for the next one, recall how I once waited over a half hour for that bus, and think about how much I love standing next the homeless at MacArthur Park after the sun has gone down.  I make a run for it, jumping into the middle of the street and dodging death by impatient drivers on the way, and reach the bus before it drives away.  I knock on the door, hoping it’s not an asshole driver who won’t open it, the doors open, and low and behold.

It’s Lamar.

Sometimes I wonder.  How did I get all the luck?

With Alotta Love,

zee zee cakes

Tags: bartending certification, men