Why I Suck

You know when you anticipate a tense moment approaching, and you’ve planned out your speech – the pauses, the climax – and you’re just waiting for the moment to come?  I know you know.  I know you probably even practiced intonation.

Well I’ve been thinking about the moment I saw my ex-boyfriend again. 

Hey Z! Whats up?

Hey.

So what’s going on with the music for your animation?  I have some stuff you might want to listen to.

I wouldn’t worry about that anymore if I were you.

Huh?

I can’t really think of anything I’d rather do less than have to talk to you or listen to your fucking stupid jokes.  You are a piece of shit.

….

Actually, I’d rather not burn to death. 

That was the plan.  But of course, in this dream sequence I knew he was calling or I saw him from a distance and would have enough time to compose myself and do a quick rehearsal in my head.  Unfortunately,  when I saw him riding his bike towards me as I headed to the grocery store, all I had time for was, “SHIT”

Hey Z!

Hey

How are you?

I’m great, How Are you?

Are you alright?  Why are you talking so soft?

Hm

You sound like you were either crying or your sick.

Yes, I was just crying.

Pause

Sigh.  No I wasn’t crying.  (At this point the situation just began to get comical for me so I started doing a lot of that annoying laughing-because-I-can’t-express-my-anger-and-the-situation-is-so-stupid thing that I do.)

Oh, So hey!

Hey.

Whats going on right now, you look sad. (Looks down sheepishly)

laugh – god I want to punch you

You’re just pretending to be happy.

Haaa okay

Alright, well I’ll talk to you later Z

Bye.

Why it comes more naturally for me to supress my anger and express it only through making it obvious that I’m enduring your presence for the moment than to just say I AM MAD AT YOU – I don’t know.  But I guess it’s a curse I will forced to live with.  I get that he at least recognizes that he was a piece of shit.  And that he upset me.  But that means pretty little when he won’t apologize for it.  That would require him acknowledging the fact that he made out with one of my closest friends right in front of me.

I guess somehow him pressing the my “looking sad” (even though I probably just didn’t look happy, as I usually am, to see him) was supposed to be enough of an apology to me.  Kind of like when he made a joke about the whole thing the night it happened.  Guess that only works in Idiotland.

But, what can you do. 

With Alotta Love,

zee zee cakes

A Siamese Cat Would Be So Small

A Story by Helena Kvarnström

A Siamese Cat Would Be So Small

With Alotta Love,

zee zee cakes

I’m a Stubborn Bitch, And Other Old News

It’s been about two weeks now and I still haven’t gone out on my date with The Jerk.  Perhaps this just wasn’t meant to be, but I swear – I’ve tried.

We couldn’t go last weekend because I was hosting the Birthday Party and so we rescheduled for this weekend.  Today, actually. In face, we should be enjoying Rainbow Rolls right now.

I texted him on Tuesday asking if we were still on with reservations set, and he said sure.  He’d come get me at 7:30 for 8 o’clock reservation at this sushi restaurant out in Hollywood.  Then Thursday he texts me,

 Heyy I just realized the football game is at 7 this Saturday

I like how he texts me this as if it’s supposed to mean something to me.

Does that mean you want to cancel?

I don’t want to cancel.  But what kind of fan would I be?  I’ll try to figure somethin out and let you know tomorrow.  Maybe a late night dinner and then drinks?

Maybe because my first reaction was, “Pft, no” I am a stubborn bitch.  I told my friend the scenario and he suggested that I get over myself and go get drinks.  But I guess this is the way I see it.  If you want to postpone our date to do something that’s more important to you, then I will go do something that’s more important to me.  Like animate.  And if I start doing that, I’ll just work through the night and forget the drinks.  Not to mention that our date suddenly turning into going for drinks doesn’t sit well with me.  Especially when you rubbed me the wrong way during our first interaction.

I’ve never been diehard sportsfan so I can’t really empathize with that mindset.  That mindset being, “I HAVE to go to the game and be in the crowd and dress up in the garb and be one with the team.  My screams of encouragement are vital to the success of the team.”  I’m fairly comfortable finding the results at the end of the night. 

At any rate, I’m tired and hungover from last night’s adventures (a sketch comedy show at 12 am and then an after party until 4 am) and I had work from 8 am to 2 pm today.  So, I’ve texted The Jerk and informed him that he should just go have fun and do the after party celebration hard because I’m staying tonight.

Ha, what can you do.

With Alotta Love,

zee zee cakes

More Preston Blair Dogs

More cutesy dogs from Preston Blair’s Cartoon Animation. 

With Alotta Love,

zee zee cakes

Drunken Self Portrait

 

I may or may not regret posting this in the morning.  What inspired me to do this while intoxicated, I will never know.

With Alotta Love,

zee zee cakes

Another Preston Blair Dog

Hot Shoes

My new hot purple suede pumps.  I’ve been told their reminiscent of prince. Haaa

With Alotta Love,

zee zee cakes

Bad scan of Preston Blair dog I copied.  I’m practicing my character creation skills by copying other characters.

With Alotta Love,

zee zee cakes

“Tell Me That You Love Me”

Right now I’m still trying to figure out what happened last night and where the hell this turn of events came from.  Determined to make up for my shitty Saturday night, I put on my new sexy six-inch suede purple pumps (picture to come) and headed back over to The Short Stop.  It was already about 12:45 when I got there, but I mostly just wanted to chug some Jack and cokes and see Mr. Postman.

I did just that.

Luckily, he was already there dancing, so I didn’t have to make any outside efforts to reach him.  As usual, he and a random posse of two friends and five strangers went back to his apartment, listened to some records, and finished drinking.  Eventually they trickled out, and he and I were left alone to take part in a variety of indulgences.

The vocal and intense sex was a given.  What was not expected, was as we neared climax he said

Tell me that you love me.  Tell me.

Erhm?

What?!

What the hell?!

I said nothing.  I couldn’t really pretend I didn’t hear him, as he was a foot in front of my face, but I also didn’t want to stop everything to have a discussion about it.

So that was that.

Later on we were laying on his couch talking and I asked him how he felt about me in attempts to see where this love thing was coming from.  He said he thought I was awesome and really cool and fun and a number of other things, but left out any indication of strong, intimate feelings.  I’ve only known him for almost two months.  He couldn’t possibly be in love with me.

We also talked about how he’s really selfish.  I’d noticed this during the numerous times I would call/text him and he wouldn’t respond, or when he’d say we’d hang out and then call me later saying he was going to some party I wasn’t invited to.  For someone who I’m just sleeping with, that’s fine.  But to date someone who does that?  Deal breaker.

Anyway, I don’t know what to think about whole love request.  Maybe it was a slip of the tongue that wasn’t directed at me, but just something he wanted to hear in the moment.  I don’t know.  Maybe it’s more.

With Alotta Love,

zee zee cakes

Happy Birthday Friend

I normally don’t post the night of a particular event, as I like to let the course of the evening marinate before I go making judgments upon it.  But I’m making a special exception for tonight, on account of my muddled but stable sobriety and my need to vent.

Instead of relaying the events of the evening and providing rising action with a climax and a resolution, I’m just going to jump straight into the conflict.  One of my closest friends made out with my ex boyfriend.  And after I left the scene, she and he came to where I was and continued making out three feet in front of me.  Just in case I had missed something.

Now it’s not that I have any feelings for this dude outside of the attraction that was there when we intially began dating.  It’s been a long time  and I have no desire to be in a relationship with him.  But the fact of the matter is, I was and am still attracted to him and discussed with her the prospect of possibly hooking up with him again.  So for her to wait until the very moment I leave her side during the birthday outing I prepared for her to begin a 20-30 minute make out session with him and to then move the session to where I could see it AGAIN

… I don’t know…

I guess it maybe hurt my feelings.

And I guess this post, rather than being any source of factual information for any reader is more of a cleanse for me.  I just need to get out how I feel.  Because afterwards I spent the rest of the tonight taking care of her as she vomitted in my car.

I know she was drunk.  I know she wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me.  But I suppose the shear thoughtlessness of the act is enough for me.  I’m really hurt right now.  And I suppose my level of disgust and disappointment is a testament to how much I love and care for her.  But that really doesn’t make me feel better or make me want to talk to her.  I’m still hurt.

Thats all.

With Alotta Love and Anguish,

zee zee cakes

Update:  The last thing I want to hear when I wake up is, “Why did you let me get so drunk” because that excuse makes me want to punch people in the face.  Especially when it puts any blame on me.

Fuck that.  Man up and take ownership for what you did.